Bruce and Frankie announced yesterday that referees remain responsible for nearly every unresolved problem experienced by American sports fans.
The finding followed another weekend of NFL officiating complaints, disputed penalties, and grown men watching slow-motion replays while whispering, “That son of a bitch.”
“We originally thought fans were upset about football,” Bruce said. “Turns out Kevin from Ohio is still processing his parents’ divorce.”
Frankie nodded.
“The pass interference just opened the door.”
The Sports Desk spent several hours reviewing fan reactions and identified a consistent pattern. A questionable roughing-the-passer call could trigger memories of losing a Little League championship, getting cut from varsity, or hearing a father say, “Maybe baseball just isn’t your thing.”
MLB’s new automated strike-zone challenge system has complicated matters by occasionally proving the umpire correct.
“That technology is dangerous,” Bruce said. “Some people need the umpire to be wrong.”
Janet suggested fans consider accepting that officials make mistakes during fast-moving sporting events.
She was immediately escorted from the room.
Marvin believes referees are psychologically useful because they provide society with one identifiable person who can be blamed for everything.
“Marriage struggling? Referee. Career stalled? Referee. Jets went 3-14 again? Obviously referee.”
By evening, Bruce and Frankie had launched a new therapeutic service called Flag on the Play, where men pay $175 an hour to watch old game footage and scream at an official until they finally discuss their fathers.
Whitney called the approach unconventional.
Bruce disagreed.
“He missed the call.”
Frankie stared into the distance.
“He always misses the call.”
Awe poor Janet just trying to be sympathetic lol!
Now I know why I never became a multi-million dollar professional athlete. There must be someone/league who I can sue.