Simone Calls for Structural Change in Snack Distribution
The smallest sheep unveiled a sweeping economic platform built around fair wages, full troughs, and immediate access to rosemary Triscuits.
Simone called for structural change in snack distribution today after discovering that the pasture’s total Triscuit supply had increased while her personal allocation remained “one dry square and a suggestion of rosemary.”
Standing on an overturned water bucket, the smallest sheep announced a comprehensive economic platform requiring equal trough access, transparent treat inventories, and criminal penalties for anyone describing crumbs as an incentive program.
“The snacks exist,” Simone shouted. “They are simply concentrated among those with pockets, keys, and access to the farmhouse pantry.”
Fancy Pants urged patience and proposed a bipartisan Commission on Equitable Cracker Allocation. Simone overturned the commission’s folding table before its first listening session.
Marvin produced a chart showing that 82 percent of pasture snacks had passed through the hands of one human wearing cargo shorts. Janet questioned his methodology but admitted the cargo shorts appeared “structurally suspicious.”
Whitney suggested the flock examine its emotional attachment to scarcity. Simone confiscated her cashews.
The uprising comes as American families continue facing higher grocery bills while lawmakers add new conditions, forms, and work rules to food assistance. Simone described the arrangement as “making hungry people complete a scavenger hunt designed by someone who has never missed lunch.”
Bruce and Frankie offered to organize a benefit concert called Crackers for the Crackerless, with 70 percent of proceeds reserved for production costs, VIP hay lounges, and a documentary about their generosity.
By sunset, Simone had occupied the snack cart and established the Provisional Republic of Full Troughs.
Fancy Pants asked when distribution would begin.
“Immediately,” Simone said, handing each sheep two crackers.
The flock stared in disbelief.
Government officials condemned the reckless abundance.