Sheep Vote To Preserve Democracy By Ignoring The Results
After holding a formal vote on how best to protect democracy, the sheep chose the nation’s preferred modern solution: ignoring the result and declaring the process compromised.
The sheep held a vote this week on how best to preserve democracy, then immediately rejected the outcome after deciding the result raised “serious concerns” about berry-adjacent interference, procedural irregularities, and the suspiciously high turnout among sheep who had previously shown no interest in governance.
Fancy Pants opened the meeting by reminding the flock that elections only work if losers accept the count. Marvin then stood up with three damp pages, a hand-drawn map of the blueberry field, and what he called “disturbing indicators of narrative contamination,” at which point the entire process deteriorated into a full American reenactment.
Janet insisted the rules were clear, the ballots had been counted, and the outcome was binding. Simone said democracy also required legitimacy, which was now difficult to assess because Bruce and Frankie had spent the afternoon shouting that the election had been “energetically hacked.” Whitney suggested the flock pause for breathwork before invalidating the republic. Bruce and Frankie instead proposed a livestream titled STOP THE GRAZE.
The sheep said the dispute felt painfully current. The Supreme Court recently weakened a core provision of the Voting Rights Act, making it harder to challenge discriminatory electoral maps and opening the door to broader redistricting chaos ahead of November. At the same time, Trump allies have continued chasing discredited vote-rigging claims even after repeated investigations failed to find evidence, while the administration has been moving to gain greater leverage over election systems state by state.
By sunset, the flock voted 5 to 2 to honor democracy by refusing to be constrained by it, proving once again that in the current American environment, the most reliable way to defend an election is to call it fraudulent the moment it produces emotional inconvenience.