Sheep Release 77-Page Report Confirming Something Is Deeply Wrong with Everyone

After months of field observation, emergency meetings, and one deeply compromised appendix by Marvin, the sheep have concluded that something is profoundly off with nearly every person in America.

The sheep released a 77-page report confirming that something is deeply wrong with everyone, citing “mounting behavioral irregularities” across the American public, elected officials, media personalities, wellness entrepreneurs, tech billionaires, and one man in a Subaru who had been yelling at a goose for reasons still under review.

The report, titled “…