Sheep Opens Sanctuary For People Recovering From Headlines

With prices still high and the national nervous system running hot, the sheep have opened a sanctuary for people recovering from headlines and other repeated emotional blunt-force events.

The sheep announced this week that they have opened a sanctuary for people recovering from headlines, a quiet area of the farm designed for citizens who can still function in society but now flinch slightly at the phrase “breaking news.”

According to Whitney, the sanctuary offers a simple healing structure. Guests arrive, hand over their phones, sit near the field, and spend several hours reacquainting themselves with wind, birds, and the possibility that not every sentence needs to contain the words crisis, exclusive, or fallout. Fancy Pants described it as “a temporary constitutional reset for the over-informed.” Janet said all entrants must sign a short waiver acknowledging that Marvin may still approach them with theories.

The sheep said the need had become obvious. Too many people now carry the particular expression of someone who has read six catastrophic updates before breakfast and would like, just once, to hear from a blueberry bush instead. Bruce and Frankie have called the program “a nervous system afterparty,” which Whitney found unserious but directionally correct.

Marvin said the headlines themselves were designed to keep the population in a state of low-grade spiritual concussion. Simone said that sounded dramatic, then admitted it was also fairly close to the current texture of public life. Janet has posted a small list of prohibited phrases in the sanctuary, including “sources say,” “markets react,” and “amid growing concerns.”

By sunset, the flock had reached a calm and practical conclusion. A person can only absorb so many alerts, scandals, warnings, and declarations of historic urgency before the soul begins asking for seating near a tree. In that spirit, the sanctuary will remain open to all who need a little quiet before returning to the republic.