Fancy Pants announced today that the most popular politician in America appears to be a person who does not exist.
The breakthrough came after reviewing polls showing widespread dissatisfaction with the country and a sizable group of voters still unsure whom they want representing them.
“It is actually quite encouraging,” Fancy Pants said. “Americans have finally found a candidate they like.”
The candidate, currently known as Generic Reasonable Adult, supports affordable groceries, functioning government, secure retirement, less yelling, good schools, safe neighborhoods, competent infrastructure, and occasionally admitting when something went wrong.
Support for the candidate collapsed slightly after Janet pointed out that this combination may be constitutionally ineligible for federal office.
Marvin examined the campaign website, which was blank.
“I already trust him more,” he said.
Generic Reasonable Adult has never posted a 19-tweet thread, called an opponent a traitor, launched a cryptocurrency, appeared on a podcast beside a supplement advertisement, or sent supporters an email with the subject line WE ARE BEING DESTROYED!!!
Bruce and Frankie were initially concerned about the lack of charisma but changed their minds after discovering the candidate has never danced awkwardly onstage.
Simone asked about healthcare, wages, housing, and corporate power.
Fancy Pants nodded.
“He has extremely popular positions on all of them.”
“What are they?”
“Nobody has asked yet. That is why his numbers remain strong.”
Political consultants immediately began searching for weaknesses. Early opposition research revealed Generic Reasonable Adult once changed his mind after receiving new information and had publicly said, “I don’t know enough about that to have an opinion.”
His campaign was declared over by noon.
By dinner, voters were already looking for someone new.
Current frontrunner: Woman Who Seems Normal.
I think that you underestimated Generic Reasonable Adult. His real problem from a political perspective is that he offers nothing to Big Money. Without Big Money's support (i.e., money) Generic Reasonable Adult is just another voice blowing in the wind. And this time of year there is nothing but wind.
I'd write in generic reasonable adult if the stakes weren't so high. 😒