Officials Ask Nation To Remain Calm While They Act Like Absolute Lunatics

The sheep regret to report that the people most loudly demanding calm now appear to be governing with the emotional restraint of raccoons in a chandelier showroom.

The sheep were once again urged to remain calm this week as public officials across the country continued behaving like men who had been locked overnight inside a Bass Pro Shop with only energy drinks, emergency powers, and no adult supervision.

According to the flock, the message from leadership has become remarkably consistent. Citizens are asked not t…