News Cycle Shortened To Length Of Average Panic Response

The flock received four constitutional crises, three tariff emergencies, and a possible world war before anyone had finished chewing breakfast.

The sheep confirmed Tuesday that the American news cycle has been shortened to the exact length of the average human panic response, allowing every crisis to peak, monetize, and disappear before citizens can determine what happened.

Fancy Pants discovered the change after receiving an alert about new tariffs while reading an alert about the war, which in…