News Cycle Shortened To Length Of Average Panic Response

The flock received four constitutional crises, three tariff emergencies, and a possible world war before anyone had finished chewing breakfast.

The sheep confirmed Tuesday that the American news cycle has been shortened to the exact length of the average human panic response, allowing every crisis to peak, monetize, and disappear before citizens can determine what happened.

Fancy Pants discovered the change after receiving an alert about new tariffs while reading an alert about the war, which interrupted an alert about immigration raids, which was immediately buried by breaking news concerning an important person’s private text messages.

“The nation experienced four historic turning points during breakfast,” she said. “Marvin was still chewing the first one.”

Marvin had attempted to follow developments using seven open browser tabs and a handwritten chart titled THINGS CURRENTLY ENDING DEMOCRACY. By 9:15 a.m., five emergencies had been replaced, one had been corrected, and another had become a podcast hosted by two men beside decorative microphones.

Whitney encouraged the flock to regulate their nervous systems between push notifications. Her breathing exercise was interrupted by a phone vibrating with the phrase WORLDWIDE CAUTION.

Janet asked whether anyone planned to investigate the previous scandal. Reporters explained that the scandal had aged out of the national consciousness and was now available only in newsletters, court filings, and the memories of unusually vindictive librarians.

Bruce and Frankie praised the new system for providing “maximum drama with minimal homework.” They proposed replacing newspapers with a siren that screams every eleven minutes and occasionally whispers “sources familiar with the matter.”

By sunset, the flock had survived tariffs, missiles, indictments, polls, resignations, and a celebrity apology written in Notes.

Fancy Pants looked toward the farmhouse.

“Something important happened today,” he said.

Nobody could remember what it was.

Fortunately, a new alert had arrived.