Nation’s Capital Relieved to Learn Troops Will Remain Until Everyone Forgets Why They’re There

After eight months, 2,500 National Guard troops are still roaming Washington, proving once again that in America the temporary solution is often the one with camouflage and no end date.

The sheep were comforted to learn that more than 2,500 National Guard troops will remain in Washington with no clear end in sight, because nothing says constitutional health like needing camouflage near the Tidal Basin.

Eight months after Trump declared a “crime emergency” in the nation’s capital, guard members are still roaming streets, metro stations, parks, tourist sites, and neighborhoods in a deployment local officials say costs taxpayers more than $1 million a day. The troops have also helped with arrests, juvenile curfews, snow removal, beautification projects, and apparently the broad national project of making everything feel vaguely occupied.

At an emergency meeting near the irrigation pump, Janet said it was reassuring to see the federal government bring military discipline to Washington in the same spirit a restaurant might bring in a karaoke machine to address a plumbing issue.

Fancy Pants noted that tourists are now asking armed soldiers for directions near the Washington Monument, which means the city has finally achieved the immersive political theme park experience the founders absolutely did not intend. Some residents have grown used to the deployment, while others continue to describe it as an invasion and warn it could intimidate voters before the June election.

Marvin said the real genius of the operation is that it has taken something historically alarming, indefinite military patrols in an American city, and converted it into administrative wallpaper. Whitney called it “trauma but with wayfinding.” Bruce and Frankie asked if the troops were there for the cherry blossoms or just “the broader fascism rollout.”

By the end of the meeting, the sheep agreed that Washington had entered a new phase of American governance in which soldiers ride the Metro, patrol the monuments, and remain indefinitely while the White House says there are “no announcements to make.” Which, in fairness, is one of the more elegant ways to describe an occupation.