The sheep called on America’s political leaders today to begin acting like adults, triggering immediate confusion across Washington.
Fancy Pants presented the proposal after reviewing the approaching midterms, collapsing trust in institutions, and several consecutive days of elected officials describing one another as existential threats to civilization.
His plan was modest.
“Speak normally,” he said. “Tell the truth when possible. Admit mistakes. Stop threatening people. Read things before voting on them. Occasionally work with someone you dislike.”
Government leaders requested a phased implementation.
Janet suggested beginning with a federal Adult Behavior Certification, requiring officials to demonstrate that they can lose an argument without posting about treason before bedtime.
Marvin questioned whether Congress possessed the constitutional authority to regulate maturity. Simone said any elected official using the phrase “TOTAL DISGRACE!!!” should be sent home with a juice box until emotionally prepared to return.
Bruce and Frankie proposed televising the program. Their pilot episode featured two senators attempting to discuss immigration for ten minutes without saying “invasion,” “Marxist,” “fascist,” or “destroying America.”
The episode lasted 43 seconds.
The flock’s proposal comes as Americans head toward another election deeply unhappy with both major parties and increasingly skeptical of the institutions those parties control.
Whitney suggested everyone begin with one cleansing breath. A campaign consultant rejected the idea.
“Calm people are harder to mobilize,” he explained.
By sunset, Fancy Pants withdrew the proposal after officials agreed maturity was important but insisted the other side should go first.
The nation immediately resumed yelling.
Fancy Pants has long been a deeply courageous sheep.
"Adult behavioral Certification" 👏
No juice boxes 😂