Today, Fancy Pants issued an emergency reminder that election integrity means the election has to actually happen before everyone decides what happened.
This announcement followed reports that federal monitors are working across all 50 states while millions of Americans vote in the midterms.
Janet explained that election integrity involves trained poll workers, voter rolls, chain-of-custody procedures, paper records, canvassing, audits, recount rules, and eventually certification.
Bruce appeared disappointed.
“That is it?”
Janet nodded.
“Mostly paperwork.”
Marvin had assumed election integrity involved a dark room beneath Washington where thirteen people watched every ballot simultaneously.
“That would honestly feel safer.”
Fancy Pants reminded the flock that democracy contains an uncomfortable feature: people you strongly disagree with are also allowed to vote.
Simone called this essential.
Bruce called it “a major design flaw.”
Whitney encouraged everyone to regulate their nervous systems before refreshing results for the 400th time.
Across the pasture, Janet posted the official election-night guidelines:
Count every valid vote.
Follow the law.
Check the count.
Correct actual problems.
Allow the process to finish.
Try not to declare civilization over because your county is reporting slowly.
By evening, Fancy Pants conceded that election integrity is less exciting than television makes it sound.
“There should really be more lasers,” he said.
Janet disagreed.
“The boring part is the point.”
The flock fell silent.
Democracy, they realized, depends heavily on ordinary people doing ordinary jobs carefully, then accepting that the rules still apply when the result irritates them.
Marvin sighed.
“Fine. But I still want the lasers.”
“The boring part is the point.” hit hard. I think I’m going to go for a nice walk later today and enjoy what’s left of the foliage.
We all just want it to be OVER.