The sheep have been trying to learn more about Hakeem Jeffries. This seemed important.
Democrats just swept the midterms, took back Congress, and handed Jeffries the opportunity to become Speaker of the House.
So Fancy Pants did what any responsible journalist would do. He watched twenty hours of Hakeem Jeffries speaking.
By hour four, he became concerned.
By hour nine, he called Marvin.
“I think he might be a robot.”
Marvin sighed.
“You think everyone in Washington is a robot.”
“JD Vance is clearly a robot.”
“That one has different software.”
Fancy Pants continued his investigation.
Jeffries appeared on television promising to fight for working families, lower costs, protect healthcare, defend democracy, hold the Trump administration accountable and deliver results for the American people.
Fancy Pants leaned closer to the screen.
“Ask him what he wants.”
The interviewer did not.
“Ask him what he believes when nobody is polling.”
The interviewer moved on to another question. Fancy Pants began developing a theory.
Somewhere beneath the Capitol, he believed, there was a laboratory where both parties manufactured ambitious young politicians.
The Republican model came preloaded with a beard, a podcast microphone and several anecdotes about Appalachia.
The Democratic model shipped with rolled-up sleeves, a Brooklyn accent and the ability to say “the American people deserve better” while maintaining direct eye contact with a camera.
Every four years, technicians installed new firmware.
VANCE 2024: Trump is America’s destiny.
VANCE 2026: Perhaps the Iran war requires a thoughtful reassessment.
JEFFRIES 2024: We must defend democracy.
JEFFRIES 2026: We must defend democracy while lowering grocery prices.
Fancy Pants admired the engineering. The machines adapted beautifully.
Jeffries was especially impressive because his operating system could transform almost any question into a statement about “House Democrats remaining laser focused on delivering for everyday Americans.”
Reporter: “What did you have for breakfast?”
Jeffries: “House Democrats remain laser focused on delivering eggs that are affordable for hardworking families.”
Reporter: “Do you enjoy baseball?”
Jeffries: “Extreme MAGA Republicans have spent years making it harder for working families to reach second base.”
Reporter: “What is your favorite sheep?”
Jeffries froze.
Fancy Pants leaned forward. At last. A vulnerability. The screen flickered.
Jeffries rebooted.
“Democrats remain committed to building an economy where every sheep has the opportunity to succeed.”
Fancy Pants dropped his notebook.
“My God.”
The midterms had produced a genuine political earthquake. Voters had thrown Republicans out across the country. Democrats were suddenly preparing to control both chambers of Congress. Washington had received one of the clearest instructions voters are capable of providing without physically entering the Capitol and rearranging the furniture.
Fancy Pants assumed this might produce some new thinking.
Instead, everyone immediately began discussing committee chairmanships, leadership elections, fundraising, messaging, investigations and 2028.
Marvin wandered over.
“So what did you learn?”
Fancy Pants stared toward Washington.
“America keeps replacing the politicians.”
“And?”
“The politicians keep reinstalling Washington.”
Marvin chewed for a moment.
“Can it be fixed?”
Fancy Pants closed his laptop.
“House Democratic leadership remains laser focused on exploring that possibility.”
The Democrats have less than two years to show the public that they are capable of improving American lives. They better not waste it all on spending time in committees or we will have to live with MAGA 2.0 robots in 2028. God help America.