The federal government launched a new website today allowing Americans to upload their hopelessness directly to Washington.
Officials described Hopelessness.gov as a major modernization effort designed to streamline the nation’s rapidly growing supply of dread.
“Americans have been feeling discouraged through an outdated patchwork of kitchen tables, group texts, liquor stores, and conversations with their spouses,” an administrator explained. “Now they can experience despair digitally.”
Fancy Pants created an account. The portal asked him to select a category:
Economic
Political
Geopolitical
Institutional
Everything Seems Weird Now
He selected the last option. The system crashed.
Janet discovered that users experiencing urgent hopelessness must first verify their identity, create a 14-character password, receive a code by mail, and upload documentation proving that hope previously existed.
Marvin refused because the government already had “enough information about his emotional infrastructure.”
Whitney appreciated the convenience. She uploaded three months of nervous-system exhaustion and immediately received a message saying:
YOUR DESPAIR IS IMPORTANT TO US. CURRENT PROCESSING TIME: 18 TO 24 MONTHS.
Simone asked whether the government planned to address any of the things making people hopeless.
Officials clarified that the portal was designed to collect hopelessness. Addressing it would require a separate appropriation.
Bruce and Frankie immediately launched a premium private-sector version promising same-day despair processing for $8.99 a month.
By sunset, Fancy Pants received an email.
Your case has been closed. Reason: Insufficient Hope Documentation.
He stared at the screen.
“Honestly,” he said, “that feels right.”
Can I use AI to fill in all of the despair-related documents?
Oh my.... this is so timely, from the fact that I first had to enter a code in order to post this response, and the post's note that Fancy Pants' case was closed for "insufficient hope documentation." The layers of proving we are who we are, we feel what we feel, and that our so called conveniences are taking up more time than ever with ever less results, all contribute to the justifiable wave of hopelessness. That said, personally, I try to live by the words of author Robert Macfarlane, that for those of us who have profound privileges and relative abundance here in the US, "Despair is a luxury, And hope is a discipline." So I try to focus on the things I can influence, in my community, my field, and my state... and read inspiring writing (such as Macfarlane's) and pointed satire (such as The Daily Pasture)! Thank you!