WASHINGTON, D.C. — Following a midterm election that flipped dozens of congressional seats and gave Democrats control of both chambers, Fancy Pants traveled to Washington this week to meet with the men expected to lead the new Congress.
He arrived expecting revolution.
He found Chuck Schumer and Hakeem Jeffries.
Fancy Pants took his seat across from them.
“So,” he began, adjusting his glasses, “the American people just fired a remarkable number of your coworkers.”
Jeffries nodded.
“It was a historic election.”
“Seven Republican Senate seats?”
“Correct,” said Schumer.
“At least thirty House seats?”
“Correct.”
“Texas?”
“Yes.”
“Kansas?”
“Yes.”
“South Carolina?”
“Yes.”
Fancy Pants stared at them.
“And after all that, the plan is Chuck and Hakeem?”
There was a brief silence.
Jeffries explained that Americans had demanded a dramatic change in direction.
Fancy Pants agreed.
“That is why I am confused.”
Schumer leaned forward and explained that Democrats now had a mandate to lower costs, restore accountability, conduct oversight, protect healthcare, defend democracy, and deliver meaningful results for working families.
Fancy Pants checked his notes.
“You have been in Congress since 1981.”
Schumer smiled.
“I have a great deal of experience.”
“That is certainly one word for it.”
Jeffries jumped in.
“America is too expensive.”
Fancy Pants nodded enthusiastically.
“Excellent. What is the plan?”
Jeffries began explaining that House Democrats were assembling a series of legislative priorities, working groups, committees, caucuses, policy frameworks, stakeholder conversations, and listening sessions.
Fancy Pants slowly lowered his pen.
“So groceries?”
“Affordability is our number one priority.”
“Housing?”
“Absolutely.”
“Healthcare?”
“Central to our agenda.”
“What happens first?”
“We are forming a task force.”
Fancy Pants looked directly into the camera.
Back at the farm, Marvin had been watching the interview on television.
“He traveled six hours for this?”
Janet shrugged.
“He enjoys trains.”
The strangest part of the election, Fancy Pants explained, was the sheer size of the message voters had just sent.
Millions of Americans walked into voting booths and effectively pulled the emergency brake on Washington.
Entire congressional delegations changed.
Political careers ended.
States that had reliably voted Republican suddenly elected Democrats.
The electorate picked up the table, flipped it over, smashed several chairs, and demanded somebody clean up the restaurant.
Washington emerged from the kitchen carrying the same menu.
Fancy Pants tried one final question.
“Imagine the flock replaced half the sheep because everyone was furious about how the pasture was being managed. Would it make sense to put the same sheep back in charge?”
Schumer considered this.
Jeffries considered this.
Fancy Pants waited.
A communications aide entered the room.
“We are going to have to wrap.”
Outside the Capitol, Fancy Pants called Marvin.
“How did it go?” Marvin asked.
“Historic.”
“Are things going to change?”
Fancy Pants looked back at the building.
“They are scheduling a meeting about it.”
Fancy Pants' interview went as I expected. Considering Schumer is my Senator, I sent him an email yesterday imploring him to step aside as leader. It's time for more progressive leadership. Kirsten Gillibrand has said she will support him and I also messaged her my thoughts. A blue wave isn't enough if it isn't actually a tsunami.
I am terrified that the Democrats will blow this unique and ephemeral opportunity for just this reason. And these now outdated former leaders already talk as though they as achieved something—anything—in the last two years that would justify their assumption they will return to their positions of power. They seem to think that democracy and the very explicit desires of the public—of this generation that brought off the blue tsunami— are ancillary concerns and they can just carry on as previously. God help us if we return to this. Move over oldy goldies! Times have changed and you need to accept the fact you do not even understand what the young generations want, much less embrace it. As you have proven in the past, you are not risk takers, you are not willing to stick out your necks for policies that you perceive to be too liberal even if the majority wants it. The world has changed. Let the new generations that will inherit the fruits—or disasters—of their actions. It’s their turn.