Bruce released his first National Crisis Power Rankings Friday, finally giving Americans a way to evaluate catastrophe without the exhausting burden of deciding what anything means.
“This is a stacked season,” Bruce said, tapping a whiteboard. “You have Iran, the Canada trade war, midterm chaos, mail-voting lawsuits. There are no easy weeks.”
Iran held the No. 1 position after renewed U.S. strikes and retaliation, although Bruce questioned its long-term entertainment value.
“Big explosions, huge stakes, strong international cast,” he said. “The problem is six months of plot development and nobody can clearly explain the ending.”
Frankie gave it an 8.7.
The midterms moved into second place after Trump began making the elections increasingly about Trump, which Bruce called “excellent franchise management from an entertainment standpoint.”
Fancy Pants looked up from his newspaper.
“People are choosing a Congress.”
“Exactly,” Bruce said. “Season finale.”
The U.S.-Canada trade fight ranked third, earning praise for taking two countries famous for being polite and making them argue about tariffs like neighbors disputing a property line.
Mail-voting litigation came in fourth.
Janet objected.
“This determines whether people can exercise a constitutional right.”
Bruce nodded sympathetically.
“Terrible television. Too much procedure.”
Marvin proposed adding economic anxiety, government surveillance, and institutional collapse as sleeper picks. Whitney asked whether ranking national emergencies might be contributing to the country’s inability to process them as actual emergencies.
Bruce wrote WHITNEY: DOWNER on the board.
By sunset, the rankings were posted.
Iran: 9.1
Midterms: 8.9
Trade war: 7.4
Election litigation: 5.6
Long-term consequences: NR
Bruce stepped back proudly.
“America has problems,” he said. “But you cannot say we lack content.”
Steve whacked me in the thigh and Ada May pee'd on my crocs. Nobody is getting honey oats today.