Bruce Announces Fantasy League for Public Embarrassment

Players will earn points for disastrous hearings, leaked group chats, inexplicable tariffs, and every sentence that causes an aide to close their eyes.

Bruce announced Monday that registration had opened for the Pasture’s first Fantasy League for Public Embarrassment, following what he described as “an unbelievable preseason for grown adults explaining themselves on television.”

The twelve-team league will allow sheep to draft politicians, cabinet officials, executives, influencers, and anyone likely to appear before Congress with a binder, a water bottle, and a rapidly deteriorating understanding of why they agreed to attend.

Scoring will reward participants for leaked messages, disastrous hearings, accidental admissions, unnecessary social-media videos, and policy announcements that cause neighbouring countries to ask whether America is feeling all right.

“You get five points when your player says, ‘I reject the premise,’” Bruce explained. “Ten if the premise is a direct quotation from them.”

Frankie added a twenty-point bonus for officials who blame staff, technology, the previous administration, or an unexplained formatting issue. A full fifty points will be awarded whenever national-security information enters the wrong group chat.

Fancy Pants selected several dependable institutional veterans but warned that the field had become unusually competitive. Recent contenders include officials defending wars without clear objectives, lawmakers struggling through confirmation hearings, and economic advisers explaining how tariffs imposed during one crisis will solve a completely different crisis.

Marvin drafted the entire federal communications apparatus and immediately requested an investigation into possible insider trading.

Whitney selected three wellness influencers who had apologized for spreading misinformation before announcing paid courses on discernment.

Janet asked whether criminal indictments counted as embarrassment. Bruce clarified that criminal conduct belonged to a separate dynasty league.

By sunset, every roster was full.

Bruce surveyed the draft board with pride.

“People said America could no longer manufacture anything,” he said. “Look at this.”

The season begins the next time a powerful person says something into a live microphone.