Fancy Pants announced today that America’s greatest concentration of moral clarity had been located in the comment section beneath almost any political post.
The discovery came after another week of arguments about war, immigration, press freedom, elections, and whether everyone destroying democracy was aware that the other side was also destroying democracy.
Within seconds of each new headline, citizens arrived with complete answers.
“TREASON.”
“LOCK THEM UP.”
“WAKE UP.”
“DO YOUR RESEARCH.”
Marvin became fascinated.
“These people have read eleven words and already understand international law.”
Janet examined one thread concerning the Iran war. A man named Dale had resolved decades of Middle Eastern history between photos of his bass boat and a review of an Applebee’s in Ohio.
Whitney found similar expertise beneath a story about press freedom.
One commenter explained that censorship was tyranny. Three replies later, the same person suggested banning a different news organization.
Whitney described the exchange as “principle experiencing situational flexibility.”
Bruce and Frankie immediately launched Comments University, offering accelerated degrees in constitutional law, epidemiology, economics, military strategy, and What Is Really Going On.
No reading was required.
Fancy Pants eventually noticed the strange part. The more complicated the subject became, the shorter the answers got.
War: obvious.
Immigration: obvious.
The economy: obvious.
Democracy: incredibly obvious.
“Perhaps certainty is easier,” he said, “when nobody involved can hear your voice.”
Nobody responded.
They were busy telling a stranger named Cheryl that she was personally responsible for the collapse of Western civilization.
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The sheep have come to the correct conclusion. Everyone is an expert!